Gone after inspiration with a club, be back for tea

Tag: Lo this is my life

Guess it’s a 500 calorie day. Oops.

I ate a handful of cheese popcorn, a half-bag of apple and banana chips, and… uh… a  single individual grape? Yesterday. Oh, and a raisin. Oh! And a mocha. That’s good. It was super sugary, so that’ll bump me up a couple hundred calories.

I don’t think I’ve had more than a thousand calories in two or three days.

Dammit. I can’t live on <1000cal/day. 

And it’s making me anxious.

And anxiety is making it impossible to choose what to eat.

And I don’t want to use up my food anyway, because what if I need it later?

What if I actually run out of food? If I don’t eat it, it’ll still be there, right? (Yeah, that’s not how food works.)

Except… I’m not that poor. I’m fairly broke, but in the I-have-20-bucks-left-after-expenses kind of way, not the do-I-pay-for-food-or-rent kind of way. So WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY HEAD?!








It’s Hard to Find YA Fantasy Books About Girls That Are Not Romance Novels in Disguise

I’m nervous about writing things again.

Without school, with writing my main priority instead of a distraction, it’s become important that what I write be good, and thus, everything is terrible.

It’s not, really. I’ve felt like this before, and what I see when I read it again is never as bad as I thought it was. Sometimes (often) it’s better than the stuff I do when I’m trying (too hard) to be brilliant.

But right now all I can think is, does this read like modern YA? I’m writing for that age group,  but I don’t want to write Chelsea Farthing is part of a secret society and falls in love with a dick who is missing and she has to use her superpowers to find him and during the process she meets this other boy who’s nice but he’s  boring and not mean to her and that’s bad somehow, and the quest is all about boys and not at all about saving the world, even if it says it is. 

I read the jackets of books that look cool, and I end up putting them all down because, at the end of the day, they’re all dark, piercing eyes and how can I choose between my best friend and this enigmatic dickface dude who hangs around all the time? and oh yeah, superpowers and stuff, but whatever BOYS gimme. 

It’s boring.

And I’m sometimes afraid, am I writing this too? I don’t want to add to that tripe. But sometimes, I write really, really bad stuff by accident. 

Might as well get it out of my system.

School is About to End, One Way or the Other

I have eaten so many M&Ms today that the roof of my mouth is covered with tiny cuts.

It’s very uncomfortable. 

Well, that’s what I get for being me. I can’t concentrate unless I’m eating something. I think it’s the sound of chewing, and the repetitive movement–together they drown out distractions. Half a pound later, though, the candy coating makes itself known.

Tomorrow, the Peer Review draft of my final paper is due. I will remember enough statistics to get something passable in, and then I’ll remember I’m not done and want to kill myself for a few hours, and then I’ll get the fuck over myself and fix the thing up to better than passable. Like I do every semester.

And then, when I get it in, whether I get that diploma I (read: my mom) paid for or not, I’m going to have a party. I’m probably going to be the only one there, but I’m going to eat cake and drink coffee like a champ, and possibly blow out a few candles. Because I’m never doing this again. And even if I fall on my stupid face again, and nobody in my family can look at me for a few years, that’s reason enough to celebrate. 

My Mom’s Mom Is a Cool Lady, Even if I Have to Remind Myself of That Sometimes

I’m nervous all the time.

I come by it honestly–you should see my grandma. “Would you like a sandwich?” “No thanks, I’m good.” “You sure? It’s no trouble.” “I’m sure. I’m not hungry.” “I’ll just make you a sandwich. You can eat it if you get hungry.” “No, grandma, really, I- well, okay then. Thanks, I guess, but I’m really not hungry.”

She’s afraid we don’t like her. It’s worst with me, because, until recently, I didn’t have the emotional capacity to understand how hard it is to be scared, all the time, that people don’t like you. To want to interact with them, but not be able to handle it if they don’t want to interact with you. Even if it’s just because they’re busy, or tired, or there’s a strange itch on their back and they’re trying to figure out if it’s a bee. They don’t respond with full, total enthusiasm=they don’t like you. They won’t want to interact with you ever. (The weird thing is, I do know what that feels like; I just couldn’t empathize well enough to use that knowledge to stop being such a jerk.) It’s worst with me, because I did get annoyed with her, and want her to leave me alone for a while. Not forever. Just… stop offering sandwiches, okay?

The sandwich means “I love you”, and I was saying, “I don’t want you to love me” every time I didn’t want it. I didn’t mean to, but that’s what she heard. She speaks a slightly different language than me, the language of a very anxious 80-something who grew up in Ohio and had three kids and volunteers at the hospital a lot, who has probably done a lot of cool things in her life but I don’t know what they are because I never asked. I only recently learned: if I don’t want to say I don’t love you all the time by accident, I have to learn to speak her language. I don’t have to accept the sandwich, but I do have to (want to) accept the love. “No thanks, I’m not hungry, but we could go for a walk if you want? I wanted to ask you what it was like to raise three girls anyway. If you could give me any advice you wanted, what would you say?” What is it like to be you?

My grandma is a cool lady, and I’m finally old enough to understand that the worst thing I can do is get annoyed with her for not knowing how to ask for love. I don’t see her that often. She’s old. It takes years to get to know somebody. I will not let my grandma die without knowing her.

Happy mother’s day, Grandma.